Lord, please help me understand what is going on in my head

Lord, please help me understand what is going on in my head. I know that a lot of things have been going on in my life the last couple of years, but I am recognizing that my personality seems to be changing. I think that as I write this prayer, I need to just do some thinking with my fingers to try to better understand what's going on. . .

I used to be a strong, self-assured person. I was the eternal optimist. I was almost always exceedingly joyful – happiness seemed to spill over, even when problems came my way. My ex-husband used to get upset with me and would say things like "the glass isn't always half full - it's usually half empty or less". I enjoyed life. I didn’t need to look for happiness; it was just part of my life. What happened? Why is it that I need to be intentional and seek You out to regain my joy?

I find myself being this weepy wimp that is regularly sad and depressed. The slightest thing seems to bring me to tears. Why? I never used to cry. Even when I was on a diving team and hit my back on the diving board when I was practicing a new dive and forgot to dive out because I was concentrating on getting more height I didn’t cry! Years later I found out how badly I had injured my back when I saw the x-rays. When my parents got divorced I didn’t cry. Except at the mediation appointment in 2003, I didn’t cry at any time during my divorce proceedings (and they lasted from 1999 to 2003). What is different now? Lord, please help me understand!

I find comfort in very little these days. The only thing that I really enjoy these days is being at church, when I’m reading and talking to You, and teaching the ESL classes. I wish we had services at the church every day of the week. I so look forward to going. I even find myself sticking around after the services because I don't want to go home. I regularly am one of the last people to leave church. I don't want to leave this place where I get such joy. I had a great time at the Ligonier Ministries conference a few weeks ago – I didn’t want it to end. Why is this? Why can’t I seem to find happiness in other things? It seems like I just put on this happy “face” other times. I have gotten very good putting on this "face". I'm sure that not many people would even be able to know that it isn't genuine. It has gotten so bad that sometimes it seems comforting to be sad. . .I get into this “funk” and just want to wallow there. . .why would it feel comforting to feel sad? I can’t understand it. Is it because I am allowing sin to overtake me?

I have lost interest in so much. I have always been the type of person who is always busy, but it’s somehow different now. When I worked in New York City I'm sure that I was perceived as having a Type A personality. I probably worked at least 70 hour weeks then I had an hour by train each way to work (not mention the walk or subway ride between Penn Station and Rockefeller Plaza and the drive from Princeton Junction to my home). In New York you get paid a great salary and have great benefits, but the requirements of a job are a lot. I loved working. Even in college I always got an overload permit so that I could take 21 credit hours of classes each semester. On top of that I worked to pay my bills. I did get financial aid, but that covered my school bills so I needed to supplement it. I was on my own since I was 17 and needed to stay there during the summer and all breaks. I always lived in an apartment off-campus. I had turned into a career student - there 5-1/2 years as an undergrad then started working on my MBA - and loving every semester! I was only 2 classes short of getting a 2nd undergrad degree with a minor before I started my masters' work. At the time I worked on my masters' I also went to the local community college and started working on an Associates in Automotive Technology (which I loved! I still wish I had taken the class where we rebuilt an engine).

I’m still extremely busy, but I find myself doing more alone type activities. Even with work I can do a lot from home – just accessing the office from my computer in the house. I not only am doing more alone type activities, but I seek them out.

I never was the “girlfriend” type of person, but now I seem to avoid being around people except when I’m at church. Why do I seem to be keeping people at arms-length? I have this internal dichotomy going on because I also seem to have this great longing to talk to someone. I have found myself sending a few e-mails to both my pastor and his wife about things that are going on. Why? I know he is extremely busy and I’m sure there are far more important things for him to take his time with than some petty things going on with me. Why am I bothering him? He has been very gracious about it and hasn't made mention of it, but I know I can't continue doing this - it isn't right of me and I know he is far too busy to have me continue.

Even with everything I have told him, I still haven't even touched on my deep inner turmoil - I have only touched the surface. I know I value his opinion about things and You have greatly blessed him by giving this great wisdom and discernment (both things I am praying for). His wife is my daughter’s Sunday School teacher and so somehow when I type an e-mail it seems right but later I wonder why I did it. It isn’t like we are friends, but she just seems very approachable.

I have had a couple of meetings with my pastor and one with him and his wife. I do appreciate their taking the time to talk with me and I do feel they were productive meetings. When all has been said and done though, I am left thinking that they must think that I am really screwed up in the head. That I am SO not together (why would it matter what they think? why do I want to put a "face" on this?). I have found myself on occasion not wanting to look them in the eye because I am embarrassed at their knowing such personal things about me. It doesn't seem right that I feel this way. Again, why? Why do I want to cling to my problems and personal dilemmas? Why is it that I can only seem to feel totally free to talk when it is to You alone, Lord?

At the meeting I had with both of them (which was yesterday), my pastor asked how they could pray for me. I have so many things that I wanted to say but just blurted one out. Later I thought about it and then sent off an e-mail with some of the things I am praying for that have been huge for me. After I sent it I regretted that I said so much. Why couldn't I leave it at the one thing I said in our meeting?

Lord, you know that a number of the things I mentioned were about my relationship with You. Why couldn't I leave these requests to be between You and me? I, again, was left feeling that I said way too much. I also feel very uncomfortable with how I stated things. When I am praying or writing out prayers to You, I can pour out my heart. When I re-read the e-mail I sent, the way I wrote about the things I am praying about seemed so self-righteous. The words I chose seemed so fake to actually say it in that manner to someone - it was the way I am in my private thoughts and in my private written and spoken prayers to You, but in re-reading the e-mail it seemed weird to put it in writing this way to a person. I know that when I am actually praying I talk in much more detail, but even these short snippets I listed seemed so sanctimonious in writing to another person. Again, seeing my pastor and his wife tonight, knowing how personal I was when writing my prayer requests, seemed embarrassing when I saw them in person. Why do I have this thing about sharing things with someone? Why would I be embarrassed about sharing prayer requests in the manner I use when I am praying in private? That, also, somehow seems so wrong.

I am becoming obsessed with reading. The things that I am reading are good books – actually great is a better way to describe them. I am finding myself even reading when I am at a long stoplight (I haven't, however gotten to where I was when I was a kid and read even while I was walking around). I can’t seem to get enough. Lord, I am learning so much through the books that You have brought my way, but am I overdoing it? I’m reading Puritan authors, I’m reading books by fantastic godly men, I’m listening to great sermons and programs on my iPod, I’m still persevering with my in-depth Bible studies, I’m learning so much about You. . .. How much is too much? IS there such a thing?

I used to love playing piano – sitting down for hours at a time was something I regularly did (and loved doing). Now I rarely touch the piano. It seems like when I am giving a piano lesson is really the only time I play. Why? I used to get so much joy from playing. The few times I have sat down at the piano lately I play a song or two and then can’t seem to bear playing anymore. I know that I have had some problems with my eyesight and having difficulty reading the music, but this was a passion of mine. What happened?

I find that my emotions are on a roller coaster. I’m up, I’m down (more down than up). The highs are very high but the lows are lower than they have ever been. Is this just a season I’m going through? Is part of this health related? Is part of this because I’m not eating right? I know that I am eating a lot of pasta, rice and potatoes and not much in the way of fruit and vegetables because they are cheap. My food budget for the family is about $80/month right now. I would venture a guess that there have even been months where I have spent less than that.

I know that I have been regularly getting fevers – no clue as to why I am having them. I don’t feel sick, I am just hot. I'm not uncomfortable (except that a number of times my eyes are burning). Interesting . . .my son seems to notice it more than I do. As a matter of fact, I’m not sure if I would have really realized it if it weren’t for him. Is it because it has been going on for so long that I haven’t noticed?

My tremors have been getting worse (although last summer was much worse than it is now, but I think that was a temporary thing more related to my lack of sleep). My migraines have been coming back on a regular basis. When I was at the conference I had a major one. One thing that I noticed was that I had a bulge in the back of each side of my head. Once the migraine subsided, the bulges went away. It was weird that the headache only lasted a couple of days - it totally disappeared that Sunday night (not the gradual lessening of it over many days). It was also interesting that during the seminar sessions that Saturday morning they totally left me and I was able to completely concentrate on what the speaker was saying. Once each session was over it came back. Is there some sort of fluid building up in my head that is creating some sort of pressure? The drive home took about 5 hours because I needed to stop so often to rest my eyes because the pain emanated from the back of my head through to my eyes. I am finding that I am often taking 25 or more Advil a day to keep my back and head from hurting so much.

Lord, looking over what I have just typed, it seems like I am a major basket case. Wow! When I put everything down in one place it sounds absolutely pathetic. What's even worse is that there are more things I could have listed. Is it because my relationship with You isn't where it should be - that I wouldn’t have these internal conflicts going on if it were? I don't feel this is the case, but why AM I having these conflicts? Where am I going wrong? What do I need to do to get to where I should be? Am I writing this so that I can get a better grasp about what is going on? Why is it that sometimes I seem to want to avoid even thinking of my problems with myself?

Thomas Watson wrote that "afflictions are a friend to grace" and that "they augment grace. The people of God are beholden to their troubles; they would never have had so much grace if they had not met with such severe trials. Now the waters run and the spices flow forth. The saints thrive by affliction as the Lacedemonians grew rich by war. God makes grace flourish most in the fall of the leaf." Lord, why is it that you had me read this tonight?

I know that You want us to be filled with joy and praise; that You want us to live joyful lives. These feelings of sadness are so intense, though. Job said that if we pray and remember our blessings, You will restore us to joy and righteousness (Job 33:26). David wrote that the study of Your Word can bring us joy (Psalm 19:8). David also realized that he needed to praise You even in the midst of despair (Psalm 42:5). I am spending extensive times studying Your Word. I am praying like I have never prayed before in my life. I am trying to praise You.

It seems the more I try to draw close to You the more I feel so detached from "life" - like an outsider looking in.

Lord, please help guide me to get my head together. Please help me know what I need to do. I am so confused. Please help me!

Help Me Know How to Pray for My Children

Lord, my prayer for today to ask for wisdom in knowing how to pray for my children. You are great and mighty. You are my God. You are One and there is no other. You alone are able to meet the deepest longings of my heart. You alone are worthy of my worship and devotion. You are sovereign and nothing that I can do can thwart your purposes.

Oh, God, I know that you are a gracious God. Your goodness, grace and mercy flow freely from you. I am earnestly seeking after You. As is stated in II Peter 3:18, I ask, Lord, to help me "grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory both now and forever." I wish to forget about this world and all it's temporary pleasures, and be obedient to Your Word.

I know that you have brought others alongside to pray with me for my children. Thank you so much for that. This has helped lift this great burden that I have been carrying alone for so long. I know that my tendency is to clam up and shut down. I realize that a part of this is probably related to guilt and shame. Part of it is also that I end up feeling so exposed. I find that when I do talk with someone I have great regrets later that I ever opened my mouth. I have started reading a small book which has a writing by Arthur Hildersham and am dragged down by the weightiness of the fact that I am charged with the souls of my children. What a great load to bear!

I know that somewhere inside I do have a longing to talk with someone - someone to share my deepest thoughts and concerns with. I know I resist having any close friends and haven't really had one for over 20 years - that I keep people at arms' length because that is the easiest way to keep from being hurt, but I do have this emptiness inside. I know how to be a friend to someone, but seem unable to let someone be a friend to me. I ask that you guide me in knowing when, to whom, and what to say. I am ever looking for wisdom and discernment in this area. I wish to have the discernment I not only need to know Your will, but Your truth. Let me know what You desire. I wish to make decisions that honor You.

As is written in II Corinthians 12:9, “'My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me." I ask that you heal my pain and free me to discover what You can do. Please keep me always remembering the power of the gospel. It is so easy to get bogged down in sinful self-pity. I need to keep remembering to look upward and not inward.

Please help me not to give up - to keep praying through my tears. I know I often become discouraged and bogged down in life’s cares. Sometimes it seems overwhelming. Please give me the strength to carry on. As is written in I Peter 5, I need to cast all my cares upon You. I do know that You care for me. I know that You, Lord, will sustain me and You will never let me fall. You are able and willing to take everything that threatens to overwhelm me and use it for my benefit. I ask You, Lord, to take the pain and disappointment from my heart and set me free to live in faith. I am trusting You to work a miracle in order to meet the needs of those I love.

I pray that You would bring others into the lives of my children to show them the error of their ways and the reality of sin in their lives. Thank you for the people at church and Patty who have had the courage to open their mouths and say words of correction to my children. I rejoice that you have provided these people in my life. Often I feel like my kids think I am out of touch with reality because so many other people in their lives are giving them conflicting information; that what I am telling them is out-of-date and old-fashioned and has no place in today's world. I find that they discount what I say because so many other people are telling them that they (my kids) are right and I am wrong. Please help me protect my children from these ungodly influences in their lives. I know I can't shelter them forever and with the proliferation of various types of technology, they will always have these other influences. Please help me know how to handle each situation as it comes up. I ask, Lord, that you keep Your hand of protection over them even as they make bad decisions. You are the Rock that is stronger than I am. I want to protect my children, but I cannot do it without Your help.

Lord, I pray that You would draw my children unto You. I pray that my children will come to know Jesus as their Savior and friend. This is my greatest request. I wish to say, as is stated in III John 1:4, "I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth." I wish for my children to have the "peace that passes all understanding" - this can only come from You.

Lord, I wish to fully live a Christ-filled life. Please let my children see the difference that Jesus has made in my life through my actions, words and deeds. Please let me reveal and reflect You in everything I do and say. I wish for my children to see You in me and that they would covet a true relationship with You. As David Livingston used to pray, I wish that I "might imitate Christ in all his imitable perfections" so that I might be more and more conformed to Your image. You are the very source of all holiness and perfection. I ask that You give me a passion for Your holiness. Pleae give me grace to immitate You in Your holiness.

I know that my sincere prayer has great power. Please help remind me to take more time out for prayer and fasting; the souls of my children are at stake. Help me to better manage my time so that I can regularly set aside days for this. At this time of great need I know that one day every week would not be uncalled for. Please don't let me let "life" get in the way of my spiritual needs and that of my family. I am asking, Lord, that you keep reminding me of Your Lordship in my life. Please help keep me humble. Please also keep me cognizant of the sin in my own life that I need to confess daily.

In Romans 8:28, Your Word says “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” I am clinging to this promise. I know that at all times You are working for my own good and for Your glory.

I also cling to the promise you made in I Corinthians 10:13 where you said "No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it." I know that you will not let me fall. I am trusting You to equip and sustain me. Help me persevere - pressing on "toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. " (Philippians 3:14)

Lord, please help me always celebrate Your goodness and mercy. I know that your hand is in this and I must seek Your will. Please grant me patience, love and understanding during these trying times.

Psalm 90:14-16

“Oh, satisfy us early with Your mercy,

That we may rejoice and be glad all our days!

Make us glad according to the days in which You have afflicted us,

The years in which we have seen evil.

Let Your work appear to Your servants,

And Your glory to their children.

May Christ dwell in our hearts with his indestructible joy

"Father, it is a great comfort to us that you and your Son are never glib and never gloomy. We delight in the truth that you can be infinitely happy without being callous to our pain. We stand in wonder that the light of Jesus' joy makes a rainbow in the tears on his face. We long to be like this.

We want to be strong and unshakable in the joy of our faith. But we don't want to be oblivious to the grievousness of our own sin or the pain of other people's distress. O God, fulfill in us the purpose of your Son in promising that his joy would be in us and that our joy would be full.

Make the fruit of the Spirit - joy - flourish in our lives. Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love that we may rejoice and be glad in you. Waken our slumbering souls from the sleep of listlessness. Take away the lukewarmness of our hearts. Fan the flame of zeal for the glory of your name.

May Christ so dwell in our hearts with his indestructible joy that day by day we are conformed more and more to his glad image. And so may we be a place of refuge and eternal refreshment for a hopeless, joy-seeking world of people who do not know they are starved for the glory of the gladness of God in Jesus Christ. In his name we pray, amen. "

John Piper - Seeing and Savoring Jesus Christ

Lord, I stand in awe of you

Lord, today I am thinking of You and Your majesty. Recognizing how You are a sovereign God. I am remembering Your providences upon me with praise and thanksgiving. The mercies you have bestowed upon me are innumerable. The grace You have shown unmeasurable. You are so good and wonderful. You prove Your faithfulness over and over (and over and over).

Lord, I know of Your incredible love and know you only want the best for me. You always watch over me. . .protect me. . .care for me. You know the number of hairs on my head. You were here before the mountains were brought forth and will be here long after the earth has fallen away. You always were and always will be.

The heavens show your glory, power and majesty. They are glorious examples of your handiwork. The mountains quake before You. I wonder at your power, wisdom and infinitude. You have control over everything. Everything I have done and everything I will do are known by you. I have been saved by Your grace.

I give You the glory for releasing me from my prison cell of sin. I find great joy and peace in the power of The Gospel. Your love never fails. Your love forgives. In my natural state I do not seek you, I do not love you and I don't desire you. You sought me out and brought me to You. Your grace is abundant and your mercy is overflowing.

Lord, You are holy. You are righteous. You are perfect. You are just. I know You demonstrate Your love daily in my life. I give You all the glory for everything You have provided for me, even for every breath I take. You are faithful.

Your wisdom is profound. There is none wiser than you. You have an infinite tenderness. You know what I need and what is best for me even when I don't know.

I am taking time to observe and meditate on the workings of providence. Everything is ordered by You. It would be an incredible sight if I could see the whole design of Providence at one long look - it's incomprehensible what You have ordered and arranged. My view is so short and imperfect, yet I see how excellent and sweet your Will is.

I recognize and acknowledge Your sovereignty and marvel at Your nature. I see Your Hand in everything. You sovereignly ordain everything that comes to pass; there is nothing that happens outside of Your sovereign will. In Ephesians 1:11 you tell us that our inheritance has been predestined and You work all things according to the counsel of Your will.

"I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted." (Job 42:2)

Even though so much of your sovereign will remains hidden, I know that your revealed will is perfect.

As I immerse myself in Your Word, I see Your glory shine through.

I recognize Your attributes. You are strong. You are divine. You are the Most High. You are the Alpha and the Omega. You are omnipotent. You are an Almighty God and an Everlasting Father. Your kingdom will last forever.

"As the deer pants for the water brooks, So pants my soul for You, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God." (Psalm 42:1-2a)

You ARE my Lord and my God. You are my Saviour. I praise You with all my heart and soul. I long to serve You and glorify you all my life. I lift my hands and eyes to the heavens to worship You.

Lord, please let me continually have joy and show praise for You. Remind me always how in Your righteousness You delivered me and You rescued me. You are my rock and my fortress. Please help me to proclaim Your wondrous deeds. Show me how I can better praise You. Let me praise You more and more. Let me continually seek Your face. Please let me enjoy You.

"Your righteousness, O God, reaches the high heavens. You who have done great things, O God, who is like you? You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again." (Psalm 71:19 - 20)

Lord, please remind me often of these truths. Keep me ever looking upward.

Help keep me from doing and saying foolish things

Lord, I ask you today to help keep me from doing and saying foolish things. Sometimes I do things on impulse and when I do I usually regret having done them.

Please help me learn that it is usually better to not say anything at all, and at the minimum I should learn to hold my tongue (or my fingers when typing) for some time in order to take the time to sit back and reevaluate everything before I say or do anything.

Please help me to do more listening than talking.

Proverbs 21:23 "Whoever guards his mouth and tongue keeps his soul from troubles." (NKJV)

fool·ish (fōō'lĭsh) adj. 1. Lacking or exhibiting a lack of good sense or judgment; silly: foolish remarks 2. Resulting from stupidity or misinformation; unwise: a foolish decision. 3. Arousing laughter; absurd or ridiculous: a foolish grin. 4. Immoderate or stubborn; unreasonable: foolish pride; foolish love. 5. Embarrassed; abashed: I feel foolish telling you this 6. Insignificant; trivial: spent all their money on foolish little knickknacks

stu·pid (stōō'pĭd, styōō'-) adj. 1. Slow to learn or understand; obtuse. 2. Tending to make poor decisions or careless mistakes. 3. Marked by a lack of intelligence or care; foolish or careless: a stupid mistake. 4. Dazed, stunned, or stupefied. 5. Pointless; worthless: a stupid job. n. A stupid or foolish person. [Latin stupidus, from stupēre, to be stunned.] American Heritage Dictionary

I think the first and second definitions of “foolish” fit me as well as the second (and probably also the first and third) definition of “stupid” and seem to have defined my life lately. In the infamous words of Forrest Gump: "stupid is, as stupid does".

Proverbs has several chapters about the stupidity of pursuing man's wisdom over God's. Any time I turn to my own understanding and neglect to seek God, I get in trouble. I want to seek Your wisdom but then I keep doing and saying things where I decide to pursue my own wisdom in situations.

So many times lately I have silently told myself "shut up, stupid" (and oh, how many times I have ignored myself!!). I want to choose the path of wisdom, not stupidity. Please help guide me in this path.

Remembering an old comedy sketch. . .I think it was a Bob Newhart episode - or maybe it was Bob Newhart on Saturday Night Live, maybe it was someone else. . .I really can’t remember, but if I recall the episode, a person came in for counseling where there was a 2 minute consultation for $5 and after that it was free. He heard the problem without interrupting. Since he didn’t want to continue the counseling session after the 2 minutes (because he wouldn't get paid for it), he gave his professional response which was “STOP THAT”. Lord, please remind me to “STOP THAT”! Edit: In rethinking this, I think the sage advice he gave was "DON'T DO THAT!".

2 Timothy 3:16-17 “All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work.” I stand ready for reproof and correction. . .

Give me Your mercy, I pray, for the times when I have foolishly disregarded Your guidance.

Please grant me patience, love and understanding. I desire to know and live according to the will of God as revealed in the Scripture, which can be summarized best as “be holy for I am Holy” (1 Peter 1:15-16).

I am trying to immerse myself in the written Word of God, saturating my mind with it. I am praying that the Holy Spirit will transform me through the renewing of my mind, so that the result is what is good, acceptable and perfect - the will of God. Please help guide me.

Please also help me get some sleep. It has been so illusive lately. An hour or so and I wake up. I have so many thoughts going through my head that I can't get any rest. Thank you, though, for the extra time it has provided for prayer.

Thank you also for giving me peace about some things that have been going on in my life.

"God, that comforteth those that are cast down"

Talk about timely. I have found that it is amazing how many times these daily thoughts are just what I need to read. . .

I just felt I had to copy this. . .I know that this is one thought that I will want to come back to. I know that if I don't list this here I won't remember what day it is from (to enable me to go back to this calendar day to review the thought).

February 20
Morning Verse
"God, that comforteth those that are cast down." 2Corinthians 7:6

And who comforteth like Him? Go to some poor, melancholy, distressed child of God; tell him sweet promises, and whisper in his ear choice words of comfort; he is like the deaf adder, he listens not to the voice of the charmer, charm he never so wisely. He is drinking gall and wormwood, and comfort him as you may, it will be only a note or two of mournful resignation that you will get from him; you will bring forth no psalms of praise, no hallelujahs, no joyful sonnets. But let God come to His child, let Him lift up his countenance, and the mourner's eyes glisten with hope. Do you not hear him sing--

"'Tis paradise, if thou art here; If thou depart, 'tis hell?"

You could not have cheered him: but the Lord has done it; "He is the God of all comfort." There is no balm in Gilead, but there is balm in God. There is no physician among the creatures, but the Creator is Jehovah-rophi. It is marvellous how one sweet word of God will make whole songs for Christians. One word of God is like a piece of gold, and the Christian is the goldbeater, and can hammer that promise out for whole weeks. So, then, poor Christian, thou needest not sit down in despair. Go to the Comforter, and ask Him to give thee consolation. Thou art a poor dry well. You have heard it said, that when a pump is dry, you must pour water down it first of all, and then you will get water, and so, Christian, when thou art dry, go to God, ask Him to shed abroad His joy in thy heart, and then thy joy shall be full. Do not go to earthly acquaintances, for you will find them Job's comforters after all; but go first and foremost to thy "God, that comforteth those that are cast down," and you will soon say, "In the multitude of my thoughts within me Thy comforts delight my soul."

—Morning and Evening
Spurgeon

Thinking about the "do not go to earthly acquaintances" part. . . I know that going before the Lord is where I have been turning and generally I have been resistant and uncomfortable talking with others (although I know that sometimes lately that somehow I haven't been able to help myself and said things I regretted later). I know that sometimes I should talk with others but need to know when it is appropriate. "Go first and foremost to thy God . . .. In the multitude of my thoughts within me Thy comforts delight my soul."

Thank you Lord, for letting me read this today. I am going to You and asking for You to give me consolation and comfort.

Help me in my confusion and desperation

My prayer today, Lord, is that you'll help me in my confusion and desperation. It seems like everything is tumbling down around me. It also seems like the closer my walk is with you, the more things are falling apart in my personal life.

You are The Creator of the universe, a just and sovereign God. One who shows mercy and grace when it is not warranted or deserved. The Alpha and Omega. I know that You are faithful and true. Please help me keep the truths I know about you to sustain me.

I am so grateful that you have shown me changes I can make with our family devotions and how my son is embracing those changes. We are getting so much more out of Your Word and our knowledge of You with these changes. It's good for both of us.

I regularly find myself reduced to tears because of situations that have been coming up that I am seemingly powerless to do anything about. I generally have thought of myself as a strong and independent person - one who can easily handle things that come my way. I now find myself prostrate before you - a weak person totally dependent on you. I hate feeling needy - but I am.

Please help me to find strength each day to do what I need to do.

Thank you for helping me to continue with my reading through the Bible. This is the first time I have been so consistent and not gotten distracted and off track. If I continue, I'll be done in less than a year - ahead of my original schedule.

Thank you for the wealth of books you have brought my way in recent months. The titles you have shown me have been so timely and the content so helpful. Thank you for bringing me back and reminding me of my love of reading.

You know what my difficulties are and what matters are coming before me.

I know you want us to be filled with joy and praise (Philippians 4:4 and Romans 15:11 come to mind). It is not so easy. I know that through you I can attain it. I need to make a conscious effort to not be so absorbed in myself, but rather take the focus off myself and put it on You and others. I know that the sin that remains in me tries to keep me so self-absorbed; please help me fight against it.

In Philippians 4:6 you say "Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God." I am humbly coming before you praying for your help. You know the problems I am having with my children and with my finances, not to mention the dozens of other things that just seem to keep coming my way.

I want so much to have my children have a love and appreciation for you, to know Your splendor, and that they will be convicted of their need of Your saving mercy on their souls. They need to realize that they are sinners in need of a Saviour. A personal relationship with Jesus Christ and a proper understanding of Your love is the only true cure. Please reveal Yourself to them and help them seek your love and forgiveness. Please also help me know what to do during this time of their rebellion. Please help me make good decisions when they are testing me. They may hurt me and disappoint me, but somehow I cannot stop loving them. I also can't live their lives for them. My strength and hope has to come from You. Please keep me strong and hopeful. Please keep reminding me of the power of The Gospel.

Please help me stay in The Word - thank you that this has been the one thing that I continually look forward to each day. I know that emotions can lead me astray, but Your Word stands firm and unchanging. I know that I'm holding even tighter to you because of these trials and temptations that I am undergoing.

In 1 Corinthians 10:13 it says, "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it." I know that through Your strength, I will be able to bear whatever comes my way. Please keep reminding me of this promise and of Your faithfulness.

In reading Psalm 90, I am reminded of how short our days are and how we waste them. Please help me to make the most of each and every day.

Prayer is a powerful weapon. Please help me continually pray for my children. Please give me peace about them. Continuing in Philippians 4 in verse 7 "And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

Please also help me always keep these verses in mind: John 14:13-14 "And whatsoever ye shall ask in my name, that will I do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son.If ye shall ask any thing in my name, I will do it. " and 1 John 5:14-15 "And this is the confidence that we have in him, that, if we ask any thing according to his will, he heareth us: And if we know that he hear us, whatsoever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we desired of him."

Lord, you have a purpose for everything that happens. Even when these things come my way, please help me remember that and keep me from the sadness and frustration that so often has been coming my way.

Increase my Faith, Lord

My prayer for today is that You will increase my faith, Lord. You know what trials I am going through and how I am struggling. Please give me faith to stand firm.

Luke 17: 5,6 (ESV) says: “The apostles said to the Lord, ‘Increase our faith!’ And the Lord said, ‘If you had faith like a grain of mustard seed, you could say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and planted in the sea,’ and it would obey you.’”

I realize that if I rest in my own attempts to do what needs to be done, that I will always fail, and that the only one I can count on who absolutely will not fail me is You, God. I know the scriptures, but somehow to actually live out what I know seems to be so difficult. I know that You are in control and that You are not slumbering. I do believe that You will take care of me and my family. I am just praying “Increase my faith!”

Without You I know that I am left to my own resources. I’m sure that pride plays a part in all of this as well as stubbornness. Being an American doesn’t help - and is probably a major hindrance. Ultimately trying to rely on myself only leads to failure. I do realize that You sovereignly ordain everything that comes to pass. I just need to be patient while Your will is revealed to me. I just am struggling right now. Please help me make the right decisions – even if they aren’t easy ones. Please help me to be discerning when looking at the options I have. Please help me to pray and seek Your will.

Lord, please reveal Yourself to me and change me. I know that You promise that if I seek You I will find You. Matthew 7:7-11 says: "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!”. I’m asking – please help me find the answers I’m looking for and that I need for the decisions I need to make.

Romans 12:2 says: ”Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” I so want to know what Your will is for me. Please keep me constantly searching for Your will and not looking to my own desires. Help me get rid of my pride and selfishness. I know that this only keeps me from You.

Please help keep me immersed in Your Word so that I can keep my focus where it should be. It is so easy to let “life” overwhelm me. I’m struggling – please help me keep my eyes focused on You.

Hebrews 13:7, 8 says “Remember your leaders, those who spoke to you the word of God. Consider the outcome of their way of life, and imitate their faith. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” You have blessed my family with wonderful church leaders and teachers– people who know and love You. . .people who are totally committed to You. . .people who teach us the truth about You. . .people whose lives reflect Your love and grace. . .people whose faith in You is immeasurable. Let me and my family learn from them. We have been so blessed by You for allowing us to be part of this wonderful church family.

Colossians 2:7 says: “Therefore, as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in him, rooted and built up in him and established in the faith, just as you were taught, abounding in thanksgiving.” Please help me to overflow with thanksgiving for all You have done. Don’t let me forget all You have done and are doing for me. I’m so not worthy of the grace and mercy you have shown me – yet you continue to bless me. I have so much more than I deserve, yet I seem to continue to wallow in the sinfulness of self-pity and depression as trials and tribulations come my way. Help me to keep looking upward.

For my trust to grow in you I need to learn to step out in faith. I might be inconvenienced and discouraged and confused by what is going on, but please help remind me that You know what is best for me and have a plan in store for me. Don’t let me forget what is said in 1 Peter 1:6,7 “In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.”

Let me be content with whatever You set before me. I might not understand why these situations are coming my way, but I know that You do. As Paul said in Philippians 4:11-13: “for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” I know that you will sustain us. Please let me know how to carry out Your will, regardless of the consequences.

I know that You are faithful and can help me through this. In my weakness You are made strong. Isaiah 40:29, 31 says, “He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. . . .but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.”

How little faith I always seem to have. . . I constantly need to be reminded because I know that with You, God, anything is possible. Lord, You are faithful and merciful. We all live by Your grace. I am constantly reminded of how strong my faith in You should be and how I keep falling short. You are omniscient and there isn’t anything that I can say to You that You don’t already know.

In Matthew 11:28-30, Jesus says "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” Even in light of this truth, it's hard to stay strong when I am emotionally drained. I long for the comfort and rest that only You can provide.

Lord, please give me wisdom and discernment. Please help me to stand strong. Please increase my faith.

Seeking Wisdom

I know that no matter how much I am engaged in the task of searching for knowledge and wisdom through and in my human experiences, I know that the source of all truth is God. He must provide the wisdom necessary for the proper interpretation of reality.

As Proverbs 2:6, 10 - 11 says, “For the Lord giveth wisdom: out of his mouth cometh knowledge and understanding. When wisdom entereth into thine heart, and knowledge is pleasant unto thy soul; Discretion shall preserve thee, understanding shall keep thee.”

I seek to be wise with the decisions I make, but I keep failing – many times miserably. I know that many times I try using intellect and reason and forget that without dependence upon God’s revelation I am incapable of reaching a true understanding of reality. Like the acronym F.R.O.G. tells us, we need to Fully Rely On God. My pea-brain human mind forgets that many times.

Proverbs 8:11 says “For wisdom is better than rubies; and all the things that may be desired are not to be compared to it.” Job 28 and Proverbs 3 also mentions how valuable wisdom is. I know that it is something to be treasured – but I also know that sometimes it is illusive. As I pore over God’s word and pray for wisdom and discernment, I know that I will continue to gain wisdom. . . little by little.

One of the final thoughts I need to always remember I find in Proverbs 4:11-13 “I have taught you the way of wisdom; I have led you in the paths of uprightness. When you walk, your step will not be hampered, and if you run, you will not stumble. Keep hold of instruction; do not let go; guard her, for she is your life.” Every day God is teaching me something. I just need to make sure that I have a teachable spirit so that I can be receptive (and not stubborn as I so often am) to what He has to say.

I pray that I will continue to find God’s wisdom and discernment in the different situations I come across. I know that I have found that the trials I have had of late have led me to study God’s Word at a depth that I haven’t done before. Even in the passages I find as I do my regular reading through the Bible have provided me with insight I hadn’t seen before. God is speaking to me in mighty and miraculous ways. For that I am eternally thankful. Out of bad things sometimes blessings come. . .

I thank God that he led us to Grace Baptist Church and that Tom Ascol is my pastor. He has been a source of wisdom and Godly counsel. My family has truly been blessed. He seems to have an innate ability to get right to the crux of a problem and see things for what they are. I am so thankful for that. That kind of awareness and discernment often seems to elude me.

Donna Ascol, his wife, has also been a blessing to my family. She has been a wonderful Godly role model for my daughter to see. She exemplifies what it means to be a Godly woman. She also has a truly humble and gentle spirit which is evident immediately. While she isn't accepting of negative things, she also isn't judgmental (that is also true of her husband). My daughter feels very comfortable around them. It wasn't always that way. When we started going to church at Grace, my kids somehow seemed to think that they (and most of the other church members) had some sort of "agenda" and that eventually the "face" would disappear and they would see them for who they "really" are. We have been at Grace almost 2 years now and all of my kids realize that this IS who they really are. I couldn't ask for any better Godly examples to hold before my children.

I wish I had found this church years ago, but I know that God's timing is perfect and there is a reason why it didn't happen until now.