My thoughts today are on God's power. Power is a strong word. I know that God is powerful, but I haven't really taken time to examine, really examine, the extent of God's power. I don't think I have really taken the time to think about His power. In my daily devotions I am currently in Hebrews, chapter 11. While I know the chapter really dwells a lot on faith, it was the power of God that really struck me at the beginning of the chapter so I thought I'd take a little time to dwell a little on the power of God.

God called the universe into existence out of nothing; he declared that it was to be, and it was. My faith is in the God who created the entire universe by his word. God's word has awesome power. Imagine...the earth didn't exist...just a few words...it now exists. Wow! Powerful words.

We have many more words from God. Do we really realize the power of those words too? We can see what He created - it is visible. There are many instances of visible demonstrations of God's power, one of which was when He helped Moses lead the Israelites out of Egypt that was told time and time again through the Bible as a reminder.

What about these other words we have in the Bible? Words of God - what power do I really assign to them? Do I really give them the authority they deserve and do I rely on that power?

I know that God is "omnipotent". Breaking down the meaning of the work, it is easy to see that "omni" means all and "potent" means power so God is all powerful. As with the attributes of omniscience and omnipresence, it follows that if God is infinite, and if He is sovereign, which I know He is, then He must also be omnipotent. He has all power over all things at all times and in all ways. There are many instances where this is reflected in the Bible.

Job had great trials, yet he continued to trust in God. In Job 42:2 he says "I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted." Job never lost his faith in God, even under the most trying circumstances that tested him to his core. I couldn’t even imagine losing everything I have in one day – even my kids. Job never waivered in his understanding that God was still in control. What would I do if I were that situation? Although I would hope that I would, I can’t imagine being as strong as Job. I know that I am told to "Cast your burden on the LORD; And He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved" (Psalm 55:22) but in an extreme situation would I do it?

This last week I have been reminded much about the persecuted church. Every day people are put in situations where they are arrested, tortured, beaten, family kidnapped, belongings taken, many times they and/or their family are killed. They rely upon God's strength and power to carry them through because of the hope that they have in Christ. Again, wow.

It is clear that Job had such an intimate, personal relationship with God that he was able to make the statement "Though he slay me, I will hope in him" (Job 13:16). How strong really is my relationship with God? Again, what would I do if I were put in such a situation? The spiritual depth of Job shows throughout his writings. we must trust in our sovereign, holy, righteous God whose ways are perfect. He knew “This God—his way is perfect; the word of the LORD proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him” (Psalm 18:30). If God’s ways are “perfect,” then we can trust that whatever He does—and whatever He allows—is also perfect.

Looking at Ephesians 1:16-20, Paul tells the church at Ephesus:

"I do not cease to give thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers, that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you a spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of him, having the eyes of your hearts enlightened, that you may know...what is the immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe, according to the working of his great might that he worked in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly places, far above all rule and authority and power and dominion, and above every name that is named, not only in this age but also in the one to come."

The Greek word translated “greatness” is megethos which means “strong” or “great,”. Paul did not just say "power" but added a another word. The ESV translates the word "immeasurable". Other translations use the word "surpassing". The word in Greek is huperballo, which literally means to “throw beyond the usual mark” or to “excel or surpass.” If you put the two words together you get huperballo megethos which would be a power that is beyond measure, superabounding or surpassing power, power that is more than enough. The two words together give the power much more weight; it tells us that God has power far beyond any possibility of being measured. This power is huge - enormous even. ;-)

God will sustain us, He will never let us fall, and He cares for us. God declares both His ability and His willingness to be our strength and support-mentally, emotionally and spiritually. He is able (and best of all, willing!) to take everything that threatens to overwhelm us and use it for our benefit. God's promises are great: “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose” (Romans 8:28). Even at times when we doubt Him, He is still working for our good and His glory. God also promised: "No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it" (1 Corinthians 10:13). He will not let us fall, as He promised in Psalm 55:22. The statement “he cares for you” gives us the motivation behind His other promises.

Having total omnipotence, nothing is too hard for God. As God incarnate, Jesus Christ is omnipotent. His power is seen in the miracles He performed—His numerous healings, the feeding of the five thousand (Mark 6:30-44), calming the storm (Mark 4:37-41), and the ultimate display of power, raising Lazarus and Jairus’s daughter from the dead (John 11:38-44, Mark 5:35-43), an example of His control over life and death.

Death is the ultimate reason that Jesus came—to destroy it (1 Corinthians 15:22, Hebrews 2:14) and to bring sinners into a right relationship with God. Paul tells us that God said to him that

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong" (2 Corinthians 12:9b-11).

God "is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us" (Ephesians 3:20).

So, each day, taking one step at a time, I need to pray for God's Word to guide me, read or listen to God's Word, and meditate on God's Word when the problems, worries, and anxieties of life come along. God's power is more than I can imagine. I can see the visible things in creation which are fantastic, God's power is that and so much more. It is God’s power that continues to hold us in a state of grace despite our sin (2 Timothy 1:12), and by His power we are kept from falling (Jude 24). His power will be proclaimed by all the host of heaven for all eternity (Revelation 19:1).

"Blessed are you, O LORD, the God of Israel our father, forever and ever. Yours, O LORD, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the victory and the majesty, for all that is in the heavens and in the earth is yours. Yours is the kingdom, O LORD, and you are exalted as head above all. Both riches and honor come from you, and you rule over all. In your hand are power and might, and in your hand it is to make great and to give strength to all. And now we thank you, our God, and praise your glorious name." 1 Chronicles 29:10b-13

Will Church Plant for Food

Free Spurgeon Download in December

Every month Christian Audio has a free download. This month it is Spurgeon's Morning and Evening (January - March).

Click here to get your free download.

Sign up for their newsletter and you will be sent a notification of each month's freebie. Their selection is usually a very good choice!

Like I always say. . .free is a good price.

Validation

Great Video. Goes to show how a positive word could possibly make someone's day. Think and talk positive!

Epson Artisan 800 Photo Printer Giveaway

Yet another giveaway! This one will end on November 12 and is offered by SimpleMom. This printer is truly not only amazing but versatile as well!

Update: TWO GIVEAWAYS!! I found that Blissfully Domestic is also offering this as a giveaway on their site. Their drawing ends at midnight on Sunday, November 16. Both links are listed below. PLEASE NOTE that this is updated information. I previously indicated that this drawing ends on Monday.

This printer has so many features, I can really say that this may be the best thing since sliced bread.

I do a number of assorted jobs from my home. This printer would certainly be a great asset to have. I do some graphic work, including flyers and business cards, as well as work for attorneys and realtors. Having the ability to scan (high resolution) and fax (black AND color) in the same machine is fantastic.

I sell CDs in craft shops. Right now I can print to CDs and DVDs using LightScribe technology but am limited because I can't get the bright colors I would like have to display a realistic sample on the CDs. This printer will allow you to print CDs/DVDs with a professional quality in vibrant color.

When you print on photo paper, you will create smudge, scratch, water and fade resistant photos. You'll also have photos that stand up to humidity, moisture and spills. You can even load paper as small as 4" x 6" so they are ready to put in your albums or send photos to friends and family.

Wi-Fi® & Ethernet networking makes it easy for the entire family to use this printer using both wired and wireless networking!

This all-in-one printer scans up to 4800 dpi, faxes and prints. It is also a very fast printer which can print up to 38 ppm black and color and photos in as fast as 10 seconds! Talk about high quality resolution, you can print up to 9600 x 9600 dpi!

The printer has a 3.5” tilt LCD touch screen that makes it easy to view, crop, and edit your photos.

If you want to print from your camera or cell phone, it is possible with the built-in PictBridge port. If you want to print from your memory card, it accommodates over 2 DOZEN different types of cards!

This printer uses the Claria Hi-Definition Ink which is a revolutionary new six-color, dye-based ink technology that delivers unsurpassed image quality and long-lasting results. Claria is tailor-made to fit the needs of the discerning photo enthusiast. It provides vivid, true-to-life colors with a wide color gamut that's ideal for printing your best shots. You only replace the actual color(s) you run out of - no more wasted ink!
High capacity cartridges are available that provide about 60% more prints than a standard cartridge

An ethernet and power cable are also included along with some sample pieces of 4×6 photo paper. You are able to print as soon as it comes out of the box.

For those of you who homeschool, it prints ruled and graph paper - no need to buy a full pack or pad when you can print out what you need as you need it!

Click here to see a full list of the features of this printer

Click here to see a video showing the features of this printer

The only problem I think I'd have is keeping my teenaged daughter, who loves to take photos, from "hogging" this printer!

The SimpleMom Drawing has ended

Click here to reach Blissfully Domestic and enter their drawing

Estimated "street" price - $299

Powerful Words from an Abortion Survivor

I don't understand how someone can claim to be a Christian yet be "pro-choice". The unborn baby does not have a choice, yet it becomes a matter of life and death for them. This child is created in God's own image yet this young life isn't valued.

Over 95% of the abortions performed in the world today are with women who simply do not want to have a baby. Less than 5% of abortions in the world today are for the reasons of rape, incest, or the mother's health at risk. Less than 1/10 of one percent of the abortions done in the world today are where the mother's life is at risk.

This is an utmost evil. Even in the more difficult 5% of instances (rape, incest, life of mother at risk), abortion should never be the first option. The life of a human being in the womb is worth every effort to allow a full term birth.

Even if the really may be the situation of trying to save a mother's life, we need to remember that God is a God of miracles. He can preserve the life of a mother and a child despite all the medical odds being against it.

It is never medically necessary to intentionally kill a baby inside the mother's womb. There is a big difference between trying to save a mother's life, resulting in a baby's death, and intentionally ending the life of a baby in a mother's womb.

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you. Jeremiah 1:5

Science agrees with what we are told in the Bible. It tells us that human life begins at the time of conception. From the moment fertilization takes place, the child's genetic makeup is already complete. Its gender has already been determined, along with its height and hair, eye and skin color. The only thing the embryo needs to become a fully-functioning being is the time to grow and develop.

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance;in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. Psalm 139:13-16

I recently read that since Roe v. Wade allowed abortion to be legal in our country, that over 40 MILLION babies have been killed.

These are powerful words from an abortion survivor, Gianna Jessen. She researched the abortionist (he had to sign her birth certificate so she knew his name) and he claims to have performed over 1,000,000 abortions and considers it to be his "passion".





Victorian Premier John Brumby says he's "pleased to see legislation to decriminalise abortion pass through the upper house." Outcome on October 10, 2008 was that abortion was decriminalized in Australia - Read the article here

The War on Abortion:


Abortion is a reprehensible thing. We have decided to play God and snuff out these innocent lives. We need to pray and cry out to Christ to forgive us for being so complacent about the mass murder of millions of babies. It is nothing short of infantacide.

Acceptance and Encouragement

Acceptance is being patient and enduring. Don’t upset a friend because you cannot accept something about them. We can continue to assist them by shining our light, but we should not think more highly of ourselves than we ought to. If we are loving the same Lord then what is the problem? Should we allow trivial differences to bring problems in our relationship with others? Jesus came to bring us love, not rules and regulations.

Always keep the gospel first and foremost in your mind.

For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned. For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another. Romans 12:3-5

We have the divine word of God spoken in Jesus Christ and through the power of the Holy Spirit. In Acts 13, Paul went on to speak a word of encouragement. He said, "We tell you the good news: What God promised our fathers, he has fulfilled for us, their children, by raising up Jesus." How's that for a word of encouragement? God promised and God fulfilled the promise! Jesus was raised from the dead. God continues to work in and through us and because of God's great work in us, we can speak the Good News to others. We can speak a word of encouragement in the midst of a world that needs it so desperately.

Wow! Long time, no post!

Didn't realize it has been so long since I have posted!

Just finished teaching a citizenship class. It was good to read and reflect back on our history and our founding documents. I have recently reviewed America's Providential History and The Light and the Glory again - both AWESOME books. I've also been listening to some of the Vision Forum history CDs. A new thing that I have had a chance to review was Drive Thru History. I have previously seen the shorter versions on DVD, but this is the curriculum. These are SOOO funny! A great way to keep kids who aren't psyched about history and keep them engaged.

I figured that since I was teaching the class and my kids need to learn about US history anyway that it was as good a time as any to brush up on my own information. Interesting how many things I had forgotten - not to mention the new things I have learned.

*****

Watch out Baptists - don't let this happen to you (just see what has already crept in at those "seeker sensitive" churches):

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n' roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony."

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest, "But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"Yes," replied the elderly priest, "And I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' canNOT stay on the church roof."

Spy Software

Thoughts for Today

Well. . .today Mark had a scout pancake breakfast fundraiser at the Methodist church. Since I was over that way I figured that we could go to church at our old church - Cypress Lake Baptist. I couldn't believe how many people told me that they had been thinking about me over the last 2 weeks. I haven't been there in over 2 years! Ruth even broke down in tears and, among other very touching things, said that she really missed having me there. Alma said that every time they drive past our old house (she didn't know we moved) she thought of us. I was somewhat surprised at the degree of love they showed me.

It was really sad to see how few people were there. Except for Alyssa, I don't think there was anyone else in church under 40 and the average age was probably around 60! The first person I saw was Wayne, Paula is in complete remission from cancer, Brent Jr. is now regularly coming and is living back home, Jo was there (I hadn't talked with her since her husband died), Ellie is using a walker now, Ernie is still doing the sound (none of his kids or Cheryl were at church, though). Mary York and the Rutledges weren't there. It was great to talk to some of these older couples and widows. Apparently the pianist they hired isn't playing there any more so Paula was playing. I forgot to ask how her vertigo was. I know that it was something that plagued her for so long. Linda wasn't at church either. I had heard previously that her health isn't very good. Brownie was there. I had heard that she was in the hospital recently but I wasn't able to get down to Health Park to see her.

Since there were so many people that stopped to speak with me I was the last person out. I had the chance to speak to Pastor Harvey after the service. He knew I was going to Grace because I sent a letter saying that I had joined another church so they could remove my name from the church roll. He said that he and Pastor Ascol don't agree on their theology. He said that "Tom is more reformed than I am". Interesting, because now that I have become more familiar with the label "reformed", I wouldn't at all classify him as reformed doctrinally. He said that the one thing he respects, though, is that Pastor Ascol is a supporter of evangelism.

I asked what his views on some other items were and was very surprised to hear some of his answers. After talking for a little while, I found that there are many subjects that he chooses not to preach on because since different Christians have differing opinions, he would rather not go there because of the potential controversy. He would rather preach on a text that might relate to "life" and then explain what some of the Greek or Hebrew words mean or talk about the geography and how it would relate to the text so that people can "contextualize" it. He said that although he believes in the doctrine of election and predestination, he believes that a person has the free will to do the choosing. I don't ever remember him preaching on election, predestination or mentioning free will (in 13 years). As a matter of fact, I don't remember him preaching on any text in Romans at all (not to say that it didn't happen, but I don't remember any). He said that he got the Amazing Grace DVD that Tom sent to the SBC pastors and told me that he had one by Jerry Vines that I should see. He didn't tell me the name of it, though. Although he didn't say it in so many words, by what he did say, I got the impression that he thinks that the facts have been altered on the DVD so it isn't a true historical picture.

It was also interesting to note that his sermon didn't have a picture of the gospel at all. At Grace I have gotten so used to EVERY sermon coming back to the gospel that it ended up reflecting a stark difference between the two. At the end of the service when they had an "altar call", Alyssa asked "what is he doing"? Apparently she didn't remember that part of the service. Interesting because she was 14 when we left and she had seen it her whole life. I guess it made more of an impact since we don't have an "altar call" at Grace.

All in all, I left appreciating where I am more than ever. I am left wondering how I was able to be satisfied for so long with so little. It has come full circle and I am back to hearing doctrine that I heard growing up. Things that I didn't realize I wasn't hearing until I heard them again.

I do think that the next time Mark has a Sunday morning fundraiser at the church, that I'll plan on going. In the past I didn't want to miss the services at Grace so I passed on having Mark participate in the fundraiser. It was nice to talk with everyone - I had spent so many years there and they have seen my kids grow up. It was good to say "hi".

The Power of the Cross

How Deep the Father's Love

See What A Morning (Resurrection Hymn) / Stuart Townend

When Trials Come / Keith and Kristyn Getty

Ancient Words

Speak, O Lord

Before the Throne of God Above

There is a Higher Throne

In Christ Alone / Worship Video

Lord, please help me understand what is going on in my head

Lord, please help me understand what is going on in my head. I know that a lot of things have been going on in my life the last couple of years, but I am recognizing that my personality seems to be changing. I think that as I write this prayer, I need to just do some thinking with my fingers to try to better understand what's going on. . .

I used to be a strong, self-assured person. I was the eternal optimist. I was almost always exceedingly joyful – happiness seemed to spill over, even when problems came my way. My ex-husband used to get upset with me and would say things like "the glass isn't always half full - it's usually half empty or less". I enjoyed life. I didn’t need to look for happiness; it was just part of my life. What happened? Why is it that I need to be intentional and seek You out to regain my joy?

I find myself being this weepy wimp that is regularly sad and depressed. The slightest thing seems to bring me to tears. Why? I never used to cry. Even when I was on a diving team and hit my back on the diving board when I was practicing a new dive and forgot to dive out because I was concentrating on getting more height I didn’t cry! Years later I found out how badly I had injured my back when I saw the x-rays. When my parents got divorced I didn’t cry. Except at the mediation appointment in 2003, I didn’t cry at any time during my divorce proceedings (and they lasted from 1999 to 2003). What is different now? Lord, please help me understand!

I find comfort in very little these days. The only thing that I really enjoy these days is being at church, when I’m reading and talking to You, and teaching the ESL classes. I wish we had services at the church every day of the week. I so look forward to going. I even find myself sticking around after the services because I don't want to go home. I regularly am one of the last people to leave church. I don't want to leave this place where I get such joy. I had a great time at the Ligonier Ministries conference a few weeks ago – I didn’t want it to end. Why is this? Why can’t I seem to find happiness in other things? It seems like I just put on this happy “face” other times. I have gotten very good putting on this "face". I'm sure that not many people would even be able to know that it isn't genuine. It has gotten so bad that sometimes it seems comforting to be sad. . .I get into this “funk” and just want to wallow there. . .why would it feel comforting to feel sad? I can’t understand it. Is it because I am allowing sin to overtake me?

I have lost interest in so much. I have always been the type of person who is always busy, but it’s somehow different now. When I worked in New York City I'm sure that I was perceived as having a Type A personality. I probably worked at least 70 hour weeks then I had an hour by train each way to work (not mention the walk or subway ride between Penn Station and Rockefeller Plaza and the drive from Princeton Junction to my home). In New York you get paid a great salary and have great benefits, but the requirements of a job are a lot. I loved working. Even in college I always got an overload permit so that I could take 21 credit hours of classes each semester. On top of that I worked to pay my bills. I did get financial aid, but that covered my school bills so I needed to supplement it. I was on my own since I was 17 and needed to stay there during the summer and all breaks. I always lived in an apartment off-campus. I had turned into a career student - there 5-1/2 years as an undergrad then started working on my MBA - and loving every semester! I was only 2 classes short of getting a 2nd undergrad degree with a minor before I started my masters' work. At the time I worked on my masters' I also went to the local community college and started working on an Associates in Automotive Technology (which I loved! I still wish I had taken the class where we rebuilt an engine).

I’m still extremely busy, but I find myself doing more alone type activities. Even with work I can do a lot from home – just accessing the office from my computer in the house. I not only am doing more alone type activities, but I seek them out.

I never was the “girlfriend” type of person, but now I seem to avoid being around people except when I’m at church. Why do I seem to be keeping people at arms-length? I have this internal dichotomy going on because I also seem to have this great longing to talk to someone. I have found myself sending a few e-mails to both my pastor and his wife about things that are going on. Why? I know he is extremely busy and I’m sure there are far more important things for him to take his time with than some petty things going on with me. Why am I bothering him? He has been very gracious about it and hasn't made mention of it, but I know I can't continue doing this - it isn't right of me and I know he is far too busy to have me continue.

Even with everything I have told him, I still haven't even touched on my deep inner turmoil - I have only touched the surface. I know I value his opinion about things and You have greatly blessed him by giving this great wisdom and discernment (both things I am praying for). His wife is my daughter’s Sunday School teacher and so somehow when I type an e-mail it seems right but later I wonder why I did it. It isn’t like we are friends, but she just seems very approachable.

I have had a couple of meetings with my pastor and one with him and his wife. I do appreciate their taking the time to talk with me and I do feel they were productive meetings. When all has been said and done though, I am left thinking that they must think that I am really screwed up in the head. That I am SO not together (why would it matter what they think? why do I want to put a "face" on this?). I have found myself on occasion not wanting to look them in the eye because I am embarrassed at their knowing such personal things about me. It doesn't seem right that I feel this way. Again, why? Why do I want to cling to my problems and personal dilemmas? Why is it that I can only seem to feel totally free to talk when it is to You alone, Lord?

At the meeting I had with both of them (which was yesterday), my pastor asked how they could pray for me. I have so many things that I wanted to say but just blurted one out. Later I thought about it and then sent off an e-mail with some of the things I am praying for that have been huge for me. After I sent it I regretted that I said so much. Why couldn't I leave it at the one thing I said in our meeting?

Lord, you know that a number of the things I mentioned were about my relationship with You. Why couldn't I leave these requests to be between You and me? I, again, was left feeling that I said way too much. I also feel very uncomfortable with how I stated things. When I am praying or writing out prayers to You, I can pour out my heart. When I re-read the e-mail I sent, the way I wrote about the things I am praying about seemed so self-righteous. The words I chose seemed so fake to actually say it in that manner to someone - it was the way I am in my private thoughts and in my private written and spoken prayers to You, but in re-reading the e-mail it seemed weird to put it in writing this way to a person. I know that when I am actually praying I talk in much more detail, but even these short snippets I listed seemed so sanctimonious in writing to another person. Again, seeing my pastor and his wife tonight, knowing how personal I was when writing my prayer requests, seemed embarrassing when I saw them in person. Why do I have this thing about sharing things with someone? Why would I be embarrassed about sharing prayer requests in the manner I use when I am praying in private? That, also, somehow seems so wrong.

I am becoming obsessed with reading. The things that I am reading are good books – actually great is a better way to describe them. I am finding myself even reading when I am at a long stoplight (I haven't, however gotten to where I was when I was a kid and read even while I was walking around). I can’t seem to get enough. Lord, I am learning so much through the books that You have brought my way, but am I overdoing it? I’m reading Puritan authors, I’m reading books by fantastic godly men, I’m listening to great sermons and programs on my iPod, I’m still persevering with my in-depth Bible studies, I’m learning so much about You. . .. How much is too much? IS there such a thing?

I used to love playing piano – sitting down for hours at a time was something I regularly did (and loved doing). Now I rarely touch the piano. It seems like when I am giving a piano lesson is really the only time I play. Why? I used to get so much joy from playing. The few times I have sat down at the piano lately I play a song or two and then can’t seem to bear playing anymore. I know that I have had some problems with my eyesight and having difficulty reading the music, but this was a passion of mine. What happened?

I find that my emotions are on a roller coaster. I’m up, I’m down (more down than up). The highs are very high but the lows are lower than they have ever been. Is this just a season I’m going through? Is part of this health related? Is part of this because I’m not eating right? I know that I am eating a lot of pasta, rice and potatoes and not much in the way of fruit and vegetables because they are cheap. My food budget for the family is about $80/month right now. I would venture a guess that there have even been months where I have spent less than that.

I know that I have been regularly getting fevers – no clue as to why I am having them. I don’t feel sick, I am just hot. I'm not uncomfortable (except that a number of times my eyes are burning). Interesting . . .my son seems to notice it more than I do. As a matter of fact, I’m not sure if I would have really realized it if it weren’t for him. Is it because it has been going on for so long that I haven’t noticed?

My tremors have been getting worse (although last summer was much worse than it is now, but I think that was a temporary thing more related to my lack of sleep). My migraines have been coming back on a regular basis. When I was at the conference I had a major one. One thing that I noticed was that I had a bulge in the back of each side of my head. Once the migraine subsided, the bulges went away. It was weird that the headache only lasted a couple of days - it totally disappeared that Sunday night (not the gradual lessening of it over many days). It was also interesting that during the seminar sessions that Saturday morning they totally left me and I was able to completely concentrate on what the speaker was saying. Once each session was over it came back. Is there some sort of fluid building up in my head that is creating some sort of pressure? The drive home took about 5 hours because I needed to stop so often to rest my eyes because the pain emanated from the back of my head through to my eyes. I am finding that I am often taking 25 or more Advil a day to keep my back and head from hurting so much.

Lord, looking over what I have just typed, it seems like I am a major basket case. Wow! When I put everything down in one place it sounds absolutely pathetic. What's even worse is that there are more things I could have listed. Is it because my relationship with You isn't where it should be - that I wouldn’t have these internal conflicts going on if it were? I don't feel this is the case, but why AM I having these conflicts? Where am I going wrong? What do I need to do to get to where I should be? Am I writing this so that I can get a better grasp about what is going on? Why is it that sometimes I seem to want to avoid even thinking of my problems with myself?

Thomas Watson wrote that "afflictions are a friend to grace" and that "they augment grace. The people of God are beholden to their troubles; they would never have had so much grace if they had not met with such severe trials. Now the waters run and the spices flow forth. The saints thrive by affliction as the Lacedemonians grew rich by war. God makes grace flourish most in the fall of the leaf." Lord, why is it that you had me read this tonight?

I know that You want us to be filled with joy and praise; that You want us to live joyful lives. These feelings of sadness are so intense, though. Job said that if we pray and remember our blessings, You will restore us to joy and righteousness (Job 33:26). David wrote that the study of Your Word can bring us joy (Psalm 19:8). David also realized that he needed to praise You even in the midst of despair (Psalm 42:5). I am spending extensive times studying Your Word. I am praying like I have never prayed before in my life. I am trying to praise You.

It seems the more I try to draw close to You the more I feel so detached from "life" - like an outsider looking in.

Lord, please help guide me to get my head together. Please help me know what I need to do. I am so confused. Please help me!