Lord, please help me understand what is going on in my head

Lord, please help me understand what is going on in my head. I know that a lot of things have been going on in my life the last couple of years, but I am recognizing that my personality seems to be changing. I think that as I write this prayer, I need to just do some thinking with my fingers to try to better understand what's going on. . .

I used to be a strong, self-assured person. I was the eternal optimist. I was almost always exceedingly joyful – happiness seemed to spill over, even when problems came my way. My ex-husband used to get upset with me and would say things like "the glass isn't always half full - it's usually half empty or less". I enjoyed life. I didn’t need to look for happiness; it was just part of my life. What happened? Why is it that I need to be intentional and seek You out to regain my joy?

I find myself being this weepy wimp that is regularly sad and depressed. The slightest thing seems to bring me to tears. Why? I never used to cry. Even when I was on a diving team and hit my back on the diving board when I was practicing a new dive and forgot to dive out because I was concentrating on getting more height I didn’t cry! Years later I found out how badly I had injured my back when I saw the x-rays. When my parents got divorced I didn’t cry. Except at the mediation appointment in 2003, I didn’t cry at any time during my divorce proceedings (and they lasted from 1999 to 2003). What is different now? Lord, please help me understand!

I find comfort in very little these days. The only thing that I really enjoy these days is being at church, when I’m reading and talking to You, and teaching the ESL classes. I wish we had services at the church every day of the week. I so look forward to going. I even find myself sticking around after the services because I don't want to go home. I regularly am one of the last people to leave church. I don't want to leave this place where I get such joy. I had a great time at the Ligonier Ministries conference a few weeks ago – I didn’t want it to end. Why is this? Why can’t I seem to find happiness in other things? It seems like I just put on this happy “face” other times. I have gotten very good putting on this "face". I'm sure that not many people would even be able to know that it isn't genuine. It has gotten so bad that sometimes it seems comforting to be sad. . .I get into this “funk” and just want to wallow there. . .why would it feel comforting to feel sad? I can’t understand it. Is it because I am allowing sin to overtake me?

I have lost interest in so much. I have always been the type of person who is always busy, but it’s somehow different now. When I worked in New York City I'm sure that I was perceived as having a Type A personality. I probably worked at least 70 hour weeks then I had an hour by train each way to work (not mention the walk or subway ride between Penn Station and Rockefeller Plaza and the drive from Princeton Junction to my home). In New York you get paid a great salary and have great benefits, but the requirements of a job are a lot. I loved working. Even in college I always got an overload permit so that I could take 21 credit hours of classes each semester. On top of that I worked to pay my bills. I did get financial aid, but that covered my school bills so I needed to supplement it. I was on my own since I was 17 and needed to stay there during the summer and all breaks. I always lived in an apartment off-campus. I had turned into a career student - there 5-1/2 years as an undergrad then started working on my MBA - and loving every semester! I was only 2 classes short of getting a 2nd undergrad degree with a minor before I started my masters' work. At the time I worked on my masters' I also went to the local community college and started working on an Associates in Automotive Technology (which I loved! I still wish I had taken the class where we rebuilt an engine).

I’m still extremely busy, but I find myself doing more alone type activities. Even with work I can do a lot from home – just accessing the office from my computer in the house. I not only am doing more alone type activities, but I seek them out.

I never was the “girlfriend” type of person, but now I seem to avoid being around people except when I’m at church. Why do I seem to be keeping people at arms-length? I have this internal dichotomy going on because I also seem to have this great longing to talk to someone. I have found myself sending a few e-mails to both my pastor and his wife about things that are going on. Why? I know he is extremely busy and I’m sure there are far more important things for him to take his time with than some petty things going on with me. Why am I bothering him? He has been very gracious about it and hasn't made mention of it, but I know I can't continue doing this - it isn't right of me and I know he is far too busy to have me continue.

Even with everything I have told him, I still haven't even touched on my deep inner turmoil - I have only touched the surface. I know I value his opinion about things and You have greatly blessed him by giving this great wisdom and discernment (both things I am praying for). His wife is my daughter’s Sunday School teacher and so somehow when I type an e-mail it seems right but later I wonder why I did it. It isn’t like we are friends, but she just seems very approachable.

I have had a couple of meetings with my pastor and one with him and his wife. I do appreciate their taking the time to talk with me and I do feel they were productive meetings. When all has been said and done though, I am left thinking that they must think that I am really screwed up in the head. That I am SO not together (why would it matter what they think? why do I want to put a "face" on this?). I have found myself on occasion not wanting to look them in the eye because I am embarrassed at their knowing such personal things about me. It doesn't seem right that I feel this way. Again, why? Why do I want to cling to my problems and personal dilemmas? Why is it that I can only seem to feel totally free to talk when it is to You alone, Lord?

At the meeting I had with both of them (which was yesterday), my pastor asked how they could pray for me. I have so many things that I wanted to say but just blurted one out. Later I thought about it and then sent off an e-mail with some of the things I am praying for that have been huge for me. After I sent it I regretted that I said so much. Why couldn't I leave it at the one thing I said in our meeting?

Lord, you know that a number of the things I mentioned were about my relationship with You. Why couldn't I leave these requests to be between You and me? I, again, was left feeling that I said way too much. I also feel very uncomfortable with how I stated things. When I am praying or writing out prayers to You, I can pour out my heart. When I re-read the e-mail I sent, the way I wrote about the things I am praying about seemed so self-righteous. The words I chose seemed so fake to actually say it in that manner to someone - it was the way I am in my private thoughts and in my private written and spoken prayers to You, but in re-reading the e-mail it seemed weird to put it in writing this way to a person. I know that when I am actually praying I talk in much more detail, but even these short snippets I listed seemed so sanctimonious in writing to another person. Again, seeing my pastor and his wife tonight, knowing how personal I was when writing my prayer requests, seemed embarrassing when I saw them in person. Why do I have this thing about sharing things with someone? Why would I be embarrassed about sharing prayer requests in the manner I use when I am praying in private? That, also, somehow seems so wrong.

I am becoming obsessed with reading. The things that I am reading are good books – actually great is a better way to describe them. I am finding myself even reading when I am at a long stoplight (I haven't, however gotten to where I was when I was a kid and read even while I was walking around). I can’t seem to get enough. Lord, I am learning so much through the books that You have brought my way, but am I overdoing it? I’m reading Puritan authors, I’m reading books by fantastic godly men, I’m listening to great sermons and programs on my iPod, I’m still persevering with my in-depth Bible studies, I’m learning so much about You. . .. How much is too much? IS there such a thing?

I used to love playing piano – sitting down for hours at a time was something I regularly did (and loved doing). Now I rarely touch the piano. It seems like when I am giving a piano lesson is really the only time I play. Why? I used to get so much joy from playing. The few times I have sat down at the piano lately I play a song or two and then can’t seem to bear playing anymore. I know that I have had some problems with my eyesight and having difficulty reading the music, but this was a passion of mine. What happened?

I find that my emotions are on a roller coaster. I’m up, I’m down (more down than up). The highs are very high but the lows are lower than they have ever been. Is this just a season I’m going through? Is part of this health related? Is part of this because I’m not eating right? I know that I am eating a lot of pasta, rice and potatoes and not much in the way of fruit and vegetables because they are cheap. My food budget for the family is about $80/month right now. I would venture a guess that there have even been months where I have spent less than that.

I know that I have been regularly getting fevers – no clue as to why I am having them. I don’t feel sick, I am just hot. I'm not uncomfortable (except that a number of times my eyes are burning). Interesting . . .my son seems to notice it more than I do. As a matter of fact, I’m not sure if I would have really realized it if it weren’t for him. Is it because it has been going on for so long that I haven’t noticed?

My tremors have been getting worse (although last summer was much worse than it is now, but I think that was a temporary thing more related to my lack of sleep). My migraines have been coming back on a regular basis. When I was at the conference I had a major one. One thing that I noticed was that I had a bulge in the back of each side of my head. Once the migraine subsided, the bulges went away. It was weird that the headache only lasted a couple of days - it totally disappeared that Sunday night (not the gradual lessening of it over many days). It was also interesting that during the seminar sessions that Saturday morning they totally left me and I was able to completely concentrate on what the speaker was saying. Once each session was over it came back. Is there some sort of fluid building up in my head that is creating some sort of pressure? The drive home took about 5 hours because I needed to stop so often to rest my eyes because the pain emanated from the back of my head through to my eyes. I am finding that I am often taking 25 or more Advil a day to keep my back and head from hurting so much.

Lord, looking over what I have just typed, it seems like I am a major basket case. Wow! When I put everything down in one place it sounds absolutely pathetic. What's even worse is that there are more things I could have listed. Is it because my relationship with You isn't where it should be - that I wouldn’t have these internal conflicts going on if it were? I don't feel this is the case, but why AM I having these conflicts? Where am I going wrong? What do I need to do to get to where I should be? Am I writing this so that I can get a better grasp about what is going on? Why is it that sometimes I seem to want to avoid even thinking of my problems with myself?

Thomas Watson wrote that "afflictions are a friend to grace" and that "they augment grace. The people of God are beholden to their troubles; they would never have had so much grace if they had not met with such severe trials. Now the waters run and the spices flow forth. The saints thrive by affliction as the Lacedemonians grew rich by war. God makes grace flourish most in the fall of the leaf." Lord, why is it that you had me read this tonight?

I know that You want us to be filled with joy and praise; that You want us to live joyful lives. These feelings of sadness are so intense, though. Job said that if we pray and remember our blessings, You will restore us to joy and righteousness (Job 33:26). David wrote that the study of Your Word can bring us joy (Psalm 19:8). David also realized that he needed to praise You even in the midst of despair (Psalm 42:5). I am spending extensive times studying Your Word. I am praying like I have never prayed before in my life. I am trying to praise You.

It seems the more I try to draw close to You the more I feel so detached from "life" - like an outsider looking in.

Lord, please help guide me to get my head together. Please help me know what I need to do. I am so confused. Please help me!

Help Me Know How to Pray for My Children

Lord, my prayer for today to ask for wisdom in knowing how to pray for my children. You are great and mighty. You are my God. You are One and there is no other. You alone are able to meet the deepest longings of my heart. You alone are worthy of my worship and devotion. You are sovereign and nothing that I can do can thwart your purposes.

Oh, God, I know that you are a gracious God. Your goodness, grace and mercy flow freely from you. I am earnestly seeking after You. As is stated in II Peter 3:18, I ask, Lord, to help me "grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory both now and forever." I wish to forget about this world and all it's temporary pleasures, and be obedient to Your Word.

I know that you have brought others alongside to pray with me for my children. Thank you so much for that. This has helped lift this great burden that I have been carrying alone for so long. I know that my tendency is to clam up and shut down. I realize that a part of this is probably related to guilt and shame. Part of it is also that I end up feeling so exposed. I find that when I do talk with someone I have great regrets later that I ever opened my mouth. I have started reading a small book which has a writing by Arthur Hildersham and am dragged down by the weightiness of the fact that I am charged with the souls of my children. What a great load to bear!

I know that somewhere inside I do have a longing to talk with someone - someone to share my deepest thoughts and concerns with. I know I resist having any close friends and haven't really had one for over 20 years - that I keep people at arms' length because that is the easiest way to keep from being hurt, but I do have this emptiness inside. I know how to be a friend to someone, but seem unable to let someone be a friend to me. I ask that you guide me in knowing when, to whom, and what to say. I am ever looking for wisdom and discernment in this area. I wish to have the discernment I not only need to know Your will, but Your truth. Let me know what You desire. I wish to make decisions that honor You.

As is written in II Corinthians 12:9, “'My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me." I ask that you heal my pain and free me to discover what You can do. Please keep me always remembering the power of the gospel. It is so easy to get bogged down in sinful self-pity. I need to keep remembering to look upward and not inward.

Please help me not to give up - to keep praying through my tears. I know I often become discouraged and bogged down in life’s cares. Sometimes it seems overwhelming. Please give me the strength to carry on. As is written in I Peter 5, I need to cast all my cares upon You. I do know that You care for me. I know that You, Lord, will sustain me and You will never let me fall. You are able and willing to take everything that threatens to overwhelm me and use it for my benefit. I ask You, Lord, to take the pain and disappointment from my heart and set me free to live in faith. I am trusting You to work a miracle in order to meet the needs of those I love.

I pray that You would bring others into the lives of my children to show them the error of their ways and the reality of sin in their lives. Thank you for the people at church and Patty who have had the courage to open their mouths and say words of correction to my children. I rejoice that you have provided these people in my life. Often I feel like my kids think I am out of touch with reality because so many other people in their lives are giving them conflicting information; that what I am telling them is out-of-date and old-fashioned and has no place in today's world. I find that they discount what I say because so many other people are telling them that they (my kids) are right and I am wrong. Please help me protect my children from these ungodly influences in their lives. I know I can't shelter them forever and with the proliferation of various types of technology, they will always have these other influences. Please help me know how to handle each situation as it comes up. I ask, Lord, that you keep Your hand of protection over them even as they make bad decisions. You are the Rock that is stronger than I am. I want to protect my children, but I cannot do it without Your help.

Lord, I pray that You would draw my children unto You. I pray that my children will come to know Jesus as their Savior and friend. This is my greatest request. I wish to say, as is stated in III John 1:4, "I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth." I wish for my children to have the "peace that passes all understanding" - this can only come from You.

Lord, I wish to fully live a Christ-filled life. Please let my children see the difference that Jesus has made in my life through my actions, words and deeds. Please let me reveal and reflect You in everything I do and say. I wish for my children to see You in me and that they would covet a true relationship with You. As David Livingston used to pray, I wish that I "might imitate Christ in all his imitable perfections" so that I might be more and more conformed to Your image. You are the very source of all holiness and perfection. I ask that You give me a passion for Your holiness. Pleae give me grace to immitate You in Your holiness.

I know that my sincere prayer has great power. Please help remind me to take more time out for prayer and fasting; the souls of my children are at stake. Help me to better manage my time so that I can regularly set aside days for this. At this time of great need I know that one day every week would not be uncalled for. Please don't let me let "life" get in the way of my spiritual needs and that of my family. I am asking, Lord, that you keep reminding me of Your Lordship in my life. Please help keep me humble. Please also keep me cognizant of the sin in my own life that I need to confess daily.

In Romans 8:28, Your Word says “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” I am clinging to this promise. I know that at all times You are working for my own good and for Your glory.

I also cling to the promise you made in I Corinthians 10:13 where you said "No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it." I know that you will not let me fall. I am trusting You to equip and sustain me. Help me persevere - pressing on "toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. " (Philippians 3:14)

Lord, please help me always celebrate Your goodness and mercy. I know that your hand is in this and I must seek Your will. Please grant me patience, love and understanding during these trying times.

Psalm 90:14-16

“Oh, satisfy us early with Your mercy,

That we may rejoice and be glad all our days!

Make us glad according to the days in which You have afflicted us,

The years in which we have seen evil.

Let Your work appear to Your servants,

And Your glory to their children.

Psalm 67

Psalm 67

God be merciful to us and bless us,
And cause His face to shine upon us, Selah
That Your way may be known on earth,
Your salvation among all nations.

Let the peoples praise You, O God;
Let all the peoples praise You.
Oh, let the nations be glad and sing for joy!
For You shall judge the people righteously,
And govern the nations on earth. Selah

Let the peoples praise You, O God;
Let all the peoples praise You.
Then the earth shall yield her increase;

God, our own God, shall bless us.
God shall bless us,
And all the ends of the earth shall fear Him.

"Blessed are the Peacemakers"

Evening Verse

"Blessed are the peacemakers:

for they shall be called the children of God."

Matthew 5:9

This is the seventh of the beatitudes: and seven was the number of perfection among the Hebrews. It may be that the Saviour placed the peacemaker the seventh upon the list because he most nearly approaches the perfect man in Christ Jesus. He who would have perfect blessedness, so far as it can be enjoyed on earth, must attain to this seventh benediction, and become a peacemaker.

There is a significance also in the position of the text. The verse which precedes it speaks of the blessedness of "the pure in heart: for they shall see God."

It is well to understand that we are to be "first pure, then peaceable." Our peaceableness is never to be a compact with sin, or toleration of evil. We must set our faces like flints against everything which is contrary to God and His holiness: purity being in our souls a settled matter, we can go on to peaceableness.

Not less does the verse that follows seem to have been put there on purpose. However peaceable we may be in this world, yet we shall be misrepresented and misunderstood: and no marvel, for even the Prince of Peace, by His very peacefulness, brought fire upon the earth. He Himself, though He loved mankind, and did no ill, was "despised and rejected of men, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief."

Lest, therefore, the peaceable in heart should be surprised when they meet with enemies, it is added in the following verse, "Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." Thus, the peacemakers are not only pronounced to be blessed, but they are compassed about with blessings. Lord, give us grace to climb to this seventh beatitude!

Purify our minds that we may be "first pure, then peaceable," and fortify our souls, that our peaceableness may not lead us into cowardice and despair, when for Thy sake we are persecuted.

—Morning and Evening / Charles Spurgeon